


a totally normal campaign

by westernapparel



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Characters play D&D
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-09-25 11:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20375806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westernapparel/pseuds/westernapparel
Summary: KLAUS:(Slurring his words purposefully)Hey, hey, you just got outclassed. By Vanya.ALLISON: What’s that supposed to mean?DIEGO:(Glancing at Vanya’s sheets)No, he’s right. All she’s written down is “infinite modifier” and “fuck Reginald” in giant letters.VANYA: I don’t need to defend myself...The Umbrella Academy is, in actuality, a D&D show run by exasperated GM Ben Owens and his shit-eating, grinning players. He didnotsign up for this.





	1. And, Action: Episode One, Part One

“Is the stream good? We have a steady number?”

“One thousand and counting,” a voice from off-camera says.

“Great.”

The camera pans to Ben sitting in front of a playing board of what seems to be an intricate mansion, but the main floor is a communal area in which several figurines stand. Surrounding the table, three sitting opposite three, are the rest of the crew.

Ben grins at the camera. “Hello! I’m your Game Master, Ben Owens. Today, we’re livestreaming the first episode of our newest campaign, ’The Umbrella Academy’, a low-fantasy world with traumatic childhoods lurking in every corner. Terrifying, right?”

The camera flips back to the six others, who nod and murmur in agreement. “These are my players,” he continues, names appearing on screen above their heads, “who’ll be navigating this era-confused hell of a world as a dysfunctional family, and trying not to kill everyone. It’s harder than it seems.”

The camera focuses on Ben. “So. On the twelfth hour of the first day of October 1989, forty three women around the world gave birth. This was unusual only in the fact that none of these women had been pregnant when the day first began. Sir Reginald Hargreeves, eccentric billionaire and adventurer, resolved to locate and adopt as many of the children as possible. He got seven.”

“I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but there’s six people at this table,” Five speaks up.

“They’re NPCs,” Allison reasons.

“I’m going to do a roll,” Ben says. The dice’s result remains secret behind a screen of domino masks. “Okay.”

“So, we see a figure enter a building. It’s an empty auditorium, large, dark and eerily quiet, disregarding the shuffles of this person. They sit down an instrument case on stage, taking out what appears to be a violin, breathing in, then out, and playing this somber tune.”

“And, as this person continues to play, we pull back, outside into the bustling streets lined with honking cars and huddled masses of humans, into the tall brick buildings and skyscrapers, up, up, and into space, onto the moon, and into this, uh, quaint little bunker, where an alarm clock beeps incessantly.”

The camera turns back to the players, focusing on one side. “Luther. Would you like to describe your character?”

A grin splits over his face. “Okay! This is Number One, ‘Luther Hargreeves’. He’s tall, buff, maybe a little too buff, generally a bit of a hardass who looks up to his father a little too much. And he’s been on the moon for the past five years.”

“So, the exact opposite of you,” Klaus says.

“Explain to us what Luther’s doing right now, as per his usual daily routine.”

“Okay, so, he's just woken up, probably, like, yawning and scratching his ass, getting ready to go out, flipping switches and dials. Um, he leaves his room and there’s this small plant he instantly goes to water, and the watering can looks small in his giant hands.”

“I feel like this is Luther’s excuse to be buff and tall,” Vanya whispers to Five, who nods solemnly.

“And,” Luther continues, “he goes out to throw trash in a compactor. Very domestic.”

“Domestic indeed. So, as the song begins to pick up, and guitars and bass and drums join in, we rush back down to Earth, zooming into an almost suburban home just in time to see glass breaking. And we hear a voice, go:”

Ben puts on a lower, scruffier voice. “‘Show me where the safe is, or your family’s dead!’ And as he gets whimpers from the family sprawled across the floor, he growls, ‘Where’s the safe?’

“The, uh, sort-of leader of the family, who’s still clearly petrified, says ‘Just leave us alone!’ And, the television is still going, overlapping with this these few guys talking that have the family held hostage. Um, we see this figure, shrouded in darkness, around a corner.”

The camera goes back to the players. “Diego! Tell us about your character.”

“Hell yeah, dude. Alright. Number Two, or ‘Diego Hargreeves’, is this brash kinda dude who doesn’t approve of a lot of authority, like, he’s definitely  _ really _ into politics, and just ruins the entire family gathering.” Diego pauses. “Uh, he probably is a bit of an asshole and holds real long grudges. And he’s a vigilante just, y’know, living his life. So, I’d like to jump out of stealthing and just straight-up attack this dude with a knife.”

“Alright, so you hit a couple of guys, dodge their attacks. I won’t have you roll, or anything, they’re really low-level, commoner status dudes. As that goes on, we draw back out into the streets with like, this constant movement of cars and insanely bright lights, and into this, red carpet kind of situation where we follow, uh, this stunning celebrity in a red dress, and photographers with flashing cameras, yelling out to get her attention. And we, for a second, flash back to this violin player, starting a solo. But Allison, would you like to introduce your character?”   


“Okay! I’m Number Three, or ‘Allison Hargreeves’. I’ve done acting in a few movies and such, um, I’m divorced with a daughter. And that sorta made me realize that I was pretty much this dysfunctional person, and I’m trying to do better, and I  _ really _ miss my daughter.”

Diego stage-whispers, “She’s invoking her love of her dog,” staring directly into the camera.

“Alright, Allison, as you walk down, smiling at the paparazzi while they call out compliments and such, you’re probably posing, as well, uh, we switch back over to this violin player, who adapts a quieter tune as we flip to a, uh, rehab center where a man stands from a bed, sighing, with a sort-of trashy looking with dark clothing, and starts making his way out of the room. 

“Klaus!” The camera goes back to the players. “Describe your character.”   
  
“This is it, the climax of the campaign. It’s all going downhill after this. I am Number Four, or ‘Klaus Hargreeves’. I, uh, do drugs. It’s like, I  _ make _ it an aspect of my personality, and it’s super annoying. And I do it for reasons unknown, because the all-knowing GM told us not to reveal what makes us special until later, so  _ shhh. _ ”

“ _ Shhh, _ indeed. So, you’re walking out of this, like, room crammed with beds with various people lounging around. And, as you walk out, what do you do?”   


  
“So, I probably know most of these people, so I go, ‘Hey, you, stay strong. I believe in you, okay?’ And I point to another guy and go, ‘You, not so much.’”

“They sort of chuckle, knowing you at this point, and they say, ‘Bye, Klaus.’ And the attendant sort-of looks at you, hands you your shit, saying, ‘We’ll see you soon, Klaus. Stay sober.’”

“I look at him, in like, acknowledgement, but I don’t say I will.”

“Great. As you turn around, we cut back this violin player, who we see more of, and she wears this, almost content expression, but there’s like, a little bit of resignation or longing. And we turn back to Luther, who’s bounding toward an old chair.”

“And the sun is right there, sort of casting this brilliant light over the landscape, the dips and curves from craters, and it makes the moon look like crystal glass. And, this radio-watch beeps, saying, ‘Incoming transmission.’”

“I—I check it.”

“Okay.” Ben goes to whisper the message to Luther, so the other players can’t hear. Luther’s eyes widen.

“What a way to start the campaign. I sort-of look away, in shock, like I don’t know what to do with myself. And, shit, I guess I prep to go home?”

“Awesome. So we go back to Diego, who has defeated the thug and is picking up a bloodied knife.”

“‘I tell the family, ‘You’re safe now’, and I make to leave.”

“Okay, just as you’re going, you hear the television go, ‘We’re going now live to a breaking story,’ and what it essentially shows you, is—” Ben whispers the broadcast to Diego.

“Oh,  _ that’s _ what it is. Jesus.”

“It’s okay, you can tell us,” Klaus says.

“Nah.”

“Cool. We go back to these photographers and Aliison, and this one person who’s being told some new, juicy info, and people start yelling, ‘Allison! Have you heard the news—when was the last time you saw your father—have you heard from your brothers—will you wear Valentino to the funeral?’”

“Holy fuck, that’s insensitive,” Vanya says.

“Let’s be glad we’re not that popular,” Five grumbles.

“Let’s. A staff member walks up to you, Allison, who you recognize but don’t really talk to. And without really looking at you, she murmurs—” Ben tells her the ‘dirty deets’, as told by Klaus.

Allison grins. “Hell yeah, what a way to get the story into motion.”

“Plot devices,” Ben replies. “As you’re ushered away, we switch to Klaus in this, dirty back alley, glancing shiftily, and you’re approached by this guy in a leather jacket.”

“I sorta nod and do that handshake with him where you’re totally passing something along, and I sorta kiss the bag and turn away with this happy little dance.”

“Drugs, kids. Don’t do them at home,” Luther says, uncharacteristically serious.

“Yeah,” Diego pipes up. “Do them at a club.”

“So, as Klaus walks away with his newfound fix, we instantly cut to an ambulance whining with red and blue lights. And you suddenly shoot up in the back, where you wear an oxygen mask, and there’s this guy sitting next to you.”

“Do I know him?”

“Oh, definitely. You’ve overdosed before.”

“Great. I rip off the mask, I laugh, and I high-five the dude.”

“He smiles at you. And as you’re you retreat from the high-five, you notice this dingy television in the corner, saying, with a little fanfare, “Moments ago, police reported the death of the most eccentric and reclusive billionaire.”

“Holy shit!” Five suddenly yelps. “Don’t tell me that’s Reginald.”

“For those of you who don’t know, probably all of you, Reginald Hargreeves fathered the seven family members. Or weaponized them, based on the theme of this campaign. Anyway, we finally go back to this violin player, who abruptly stops her song as lights come on. And she lowers her instrument. Vanya. Would you like to introduce your character?”

“This is Number Seven, or ‘Vanya Hargreeves’. She was, uh, isolated most of her life in her family, being the ordinary one, and she’s reserved. Uh, she has this book dishing on the life of her family.”

“Awesome. Now, as you’re walking down the street, presumably on your way home, you notice a clunky television in the window of a store, and it’s showcasing the death of Reginald Hargreeves, your father.”

“I stare at it for a few minutes, and then I go to the mansion, because  _ fuck _ , he’s dead and I don’t know if I should be extremely happy or just sort-of happy.”

“Cool. The mansion is this giant, classy thing with a sort-of victorian vibe with these giant pillars and intricate paintings and lot of mahogany wood with these embellishments that, despite the cabin nature of it all, makes it seem a little colder.”

“And on the walls are these pictures of six children in domino masks and Reginald Hargreeves. But the pictures go from six to five children, and then five to four. In the courtyard, there’s a statue of a young boy. In the main area of the mansion, there is a portrait of, again, another child, around fifteen years of age.”

“But as you enter, you sort of walk around, taking in the building, and in a room connecting to this foyer, you see Grace Hargreeves, your mom, sitting.”

Vanya holds a hand to her mouth and whisper-shouts, “‘Hey, Mom.’”

“She just sits there.”

“What am I supposed to say?” Vanya mutters to Luther. “‘Mom?’”

“Still, no response. But, um, Allison! You’ve arrived at the mansion, for the funeral, and you’re at the top of these stairs, and you see Vanya at the bottom, unsure of where to go and calling out to your mom, who you know won’t respond. And you haven't seen her in years, and you're probably still a little-alot mad at her for spilling all the juicy family secrets. Specifically Vanya claiming you used your superpowers to become an actress."

The off-screen voice pipes up. "Maybe you shouldn't have said that. The chat is practically dying."   
Ben frowns. "Why? We did say this was a fantasy campaign, right?"

"This is the _perfect_ gateway to non-con fanfiction, apparently."

"Suddenly, I'm glad we're live-streaming only the first episode." 


	2. Social Media, An Ode by Dave: Episode One, Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **BEN**: For the last time, Five, we're _not_ getting a studio cat.
> 
> **FIVE**: But we can have studio idiots? (_He glares at Klaus, who is trying to convince Diego that his figurine has horns._)
> 
> **BEN**: If we forbid studio idiots, then this room would be empty.
> 
> **DAVE**: I hope I'm not included.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick note, here! italics mean that the players are speaking in their character's voices! excluding ben. the name will just change accordingly for him.

**BEN**: Oh my god, the cuts I’m going to be dealing with is gonna be actual _ torture. _

**DAVE** [offscreen voice]: I feel you, man. Getting screencaps for promo—hell, just _ promoting _ this fire-dump is going to kill me. No offense to your GM-ing skills.

**BEN**: None taken. (_He glances at his phone._) We’ll take a break here? They’re... (_He shifts gaze from Dave to the players.) _devoting Metallica lyrics to Five in some sort of mock cult.

**DAVE**: _ (Urgent) _Ben! The camera’s still rolling!

**BEN**: (_Surprised_) Oh shi—um, cut over to the break screen.

**DAVE**: (_Quietly_) I cannot believe the hell this storyline is going to raise when everything is in full swing.

**BEN**: (_He leans away from the microphone.) _ Hey, you’re the one that wanted to read it. They wanted hell, I’m providing. Plus, social media isn’t looking _ too _bad, right?

..

**BENtastic** _@swimeywowms_

Literally i cannot BELIEVE the audacity of ben fucking owens to create such in-depth characters and history and world building. The intricate storylines he maintains individually with each player while keeping in mind the grander picture of the campaign is just UGH, beautiful. Seriously, we don’t deserve him

**BENtastic ** _ @swimeywowms reply to _ **BENtastic ** _ @swimeywowms _

And now that that’s out of the way, can we talk looks?? My boy ben was serving whole meals out there with that blue hoodie and messy hair <3 <3 we also got to hear more of this off-screen person! He and ben seem close, i would totally ship them if they were, you know, fictional characters and not real people

**DiehardShipper** _@itstechnicallynotincest reply to _**BENtastic **_@swimeywowms_

Brother, i have absolutely no problem doing that for you :) what would be their ship name?? cam guy + ben = camben?? b from ben and uy from guy = buy lmao.

**BENtastic **_@swimeywowms reply to _**DiehardShipper** _@itstechnicallynotincest_

How about “it’s none of your goddamn business, leave them alone”?

..

**Speculation ** _ @fivesrealname _

who. who is this number five. we all know he’s played by five but is he a kid that ran away? did he die? everyone misses him and clearly his father is obsessed with the kids, if the giant portrait is anything to go behind.  here’s a link to a short coda i just drew up. 

..

**IncorrectBen&CrewQuotes ** _ @imthefirst _

_ the umbrella academy fans: _ let’s play twenty-one questions.

_ben & klaus:_ okay, what’s your favorite color?

_the umbrella academy fans:_ triangle. are you into guys?

**CasualFan ** _ @droppedcroissant reply to _ **IncorrectBen&CrewQuotes ** _ @imthefirst _

PREACH. their fans are so insensitive they don’t deserve this.

**BENtastic ** _ @swimeywowms reply to _ **CasualFan ** _ @droppedcroissant _

Dude. We’re like the same person. Not like this is gonna blow up, so there won't be hate sent to this convo i just had. Seriously, shipping real people? Spoiler alert: they’re _ real people_. _ And _, get this, their @ is “itstechnicallynotincest”. They’re gonna get an influx of disturbed fans no doubt 

**CasualFan ** _ @droppedcroissant reply to _ **BENtastic ** _ @swimeywowms _

“not like this is gonna blow up”? you provide the best ben & crew character fics i’ve seen, people would definitely see that convo that either way. say, i’m looking to work on a d&d divergent, proper fantasy au. it’ll stay pretty close to canon and i’m absolutely itching to get it out. collab? 

..

**Speculation ** _ @fivesrealname _

in reference to  the 1.01 coda i wrote, the video of everyone’s reactions to the portrait and vanya’s words are just under the cut. five minutes and counting of break!

..

**BEN**: Okay, okay, I didn’t tell any of you Pogo was an ape. But now I am. Happy?

**FIVE**: Not at all.

**KLAUS**: Seconded. (_He takes a large gulp of his drink._) Who’s Pogo?

**ALLISON**: (_She scrunches her nose and sniffs Klaus’s drink._) Is that… booze?

**KLAUS**: Ben’s only rule is no ice.

**BEN**: I didn’t say that. This is erasure.

**FIVE**: Hey, GM, aren’t you supposed to be the responsible one? Let’s play.

**BEN**: Ugh, you’re no fun. Fine. Vanya, what were you saying?

**VANYA**: Um. To Pogo, I was saying, _ did he ever read it? _

**POGO**: Not that I’m aware of.

**KLAUS**: (_He singsongs_) Daddy issues~!

**BEN**: Pogo glances at the giant portrait of Five hanging just above the fireplace, and then back at you.

**VANYA**: _ How long has it been since Five disappeared? _

**POGO**: It’s been sixteen years, four months, and twelve days.

**VANYA**: (_Quietly, with feeling_) What the _ fuck. _

**POGO**: Your father insisted I keep track.

**DIEGO**: I fully agree. What the fuck. (_He glares at Klaus._) Stop sloshing your drink. My hands are too sticky for someone _ without _ a drink.

**KLAUS**: I’m just getting into the feeling! Klaus is an addict.

**ALLISON**: When did you even get that?

**KLAUS**: I shalt not reveal my secrets.

..

Untitled 1.01 coda 

_ Did he ever read it? _

_ Not that I’m aware of. _

Vanya knows that Pogo is trying to soften the blow, bless his soul, but the only thing she hears is _ no, he handed it to me so he could let it rot away on a bookcase, he’s never cared about you even though you let your family and friends go—and for what? For this? Fame for a cursed few months and then back to trying to afford a therapist. _

It’s not like she had a lot to lose to begin with.

Five’s picture is perched so she has to look up to it, up at him, a thirteen-something year old kid that she loves and doesn’t remember and is eternally an example for all of them, a reminder: this’ll happen if you run.

Why didn’t they?  
  
Five is gone, _ gone_, and they never stopped to wonder if it was a good thing.

..

**Speculation ** _ @fivesrealname _

literally, luther and diego trying to be Manly isn’t working when they’re giggling like children. i didn’t even know someone of luther’s size _ could _ make a sound like that. i need to stop linking edits. they’ve been on break for five minutes, how do you edit something that quickly?

..

**BENtastic ** _ @swimeywowms _

Hey suckers! Because i have no self control, i started a fantasy AU with _ @droppedcroissant_. Link to the first chapter in my bio will be up soon!

**Speculation ** _ @fivesrealname reply to _ **BENtastic ** _ @swimeywowms _

_ how. _

..

**DiehardShipper** _@itstechnicallynotincest_

Diego irl is so soft and his character is rough and experienced! anyone… slash fic, please?

**WeedingOutIdiots **_@wecantsavehumanity reply to _**DiehardShipper** _@itstechnicallynotincest_

Hey. Could you. Um. Not.

..

**Speculation ** _ @fivesrealname _

brewing over  this while we wait for break to be over.

..

**ALLISON**: Wow. Can’t believe you thought one of our characters killed Reginald.

**BEN**: Yeah, wouldn’t they technically be NPCs at that point? You can’t really plot evil missions as a character. (_He winks at Dave, smiling. The audience doesn’t see this._)

**DAVE**: (_Mouthing silently_) Pitting them against each other? You’re a monster. (_He turns the camera towards the players._)

**BEN**: (_Quietly) _A good one, I hope.

**DAVE**: This is ingenious.

**BEN**: I’ve known these idiots for years. Brewing conflict is practically second nature.

**DAVE**: (_He chuckles, turning attention back to the players._) Stop evil-grinning.

**BEN**: (_Clearly smiling_, _ also turning back_) I don’t have an evil grin. 

**LUTHER**: (_Defensive_) Well, it was on the table! The premise for this story is literally “dysfunctional family.”

**FIVE**: And we would confess, just like that?

**LUTHER**: Well… Zone of Truth—

**VANYA**: You play a monk. Literally _ none _of our powers are actual D&D spells.

**KLAUS**: (_Slurring his words purposefully_) Hey, hey, you just got outclassed. By _ Vanya. _

**ALLISON**: What’s that supposed to mean?

**DIEGO**: (_Glancing at Vanya’s sheets_) No, he’s right. All she’s written down is “infinite modifier” and “fuck Reginald” in giant letters.

**VANYA**: I don’t need to defend myself. 

..

_ During the break, the players have left the recording room. _ ** _BEN_ ** _ and _ ** _DAVE_ ** _ remain, sharing a bottle of beer. _

**BEN**: I’m glad Klaus is the only one drinking the more hard-core shit. Could you imagine _ Luther_, lightweight extraordinaire, trying to throw back shots?

**DAVE**: Social media makes me long for that whiskey. (_He stares at Klaus’s glass._)

**BEN**: (_Sympathetically_) That bad? 

**DAVE**: You don’t know the half of it. You still running those side accounts?

**BEN**: (_He takes a long sip before answering._) I already offered a writer to work on a fantasy version of the campaign.

**DAVE**: (_He groans._) Why do you constantly do this?

**BEN**: Hey, they actually have pretty cool ideas! And I figured out that it was _ their _ side account, too. They wrote a book series, have you ever read _ The Fletchlings_?

**DAVE**: Hold on. You’re working with the author of fucking _ Fletchlings _ on a fantasy version of _ your _ campaign? Like, the all-popular, magic wizard school, even more so than _ Harry fucking Potter? _

**BEN**: Yep.

**DAVE**: You’re all insane. 

**BEN**: (_Grinning_) But you’re glad you’re here, right?

** _DAVE _ ** _ is about to answer, but the door to the room slams open and three players tumble in. _ ** _ALLISON_**_, _ ** _KLAUS_**_, and _ ** _FIVE_**_. _ ** _KLAUS_ ** _ sits down on the table and writes large words all over his notes. _ ** _ALLISON _ ** _ joins him and discreetly takes pictures of the untarnished notes for later reference. _ ** _FIVE _ ** _ approaches them, hair dripping wet like he washed something off his face. _

**FIVE**: Ben. I was wondering—  
  
**BEN**: For the last time, Five, we're _ not _ getting a studio cat.

**FIVE**: But we can have studio idiots? (_He glares at Klaus, who is trying to convince Diego that his figurine has horns._)

**BEN**: If we forbid studio idiots, then this room would be empty.

**DAVE**: I hope I'm not included.

**BEN**: Dave, you’re a blessing to this entire shit-show. 

**FIVE**: Are we going to record? I told Delores that I’d be back by the end of the night.

**BEN**: You should know that that isn’t happening. Ever played D&D?

**DAVE**: Wait, your mannequin’s name is Delores, but it’s also the name of your wife. What’s with everyone keeping the same names?  
  
**BEN**: This isn’t supposed to be as high-end as our other games. Plus, keeping the same name with six players would help out newer fans.

**DAVE**: We’ve left them on the hook for the past eight minutes. Come on, let’s get this episode over with.  
  
**BEN**: And, action? I feel like I should say that. It sounds professional. 

..

**KLAUS**: I throw a fire extinguisher at the portal!

**FIVE**: Can someone take away his whiskey?

**BEN**: (_Bewildered_) Um, make an attack roll? With disadvantage.

** _KLAUS_ ** _ rolls a giant die in the center of the table. It’s bright red and shiny. His drink drenches _ ** _DIEGO_**_’s hand again, who picks it up and passes it to _ ** _DAVE_ ** _ off-screen. After having a sip. _

**ALLISON**: You brought out the big dice, for what reason?

**DIEGO**: Luther got “temporal anomaly or black hole” with a nine. We deserve this.

**DAVE**: (_to Ben, quietly_) Five is wearing his evil grin. I don’t like this.

**KLAUS**: Fourteen plus two is… sixteen! Oh, but with, disadvantage, it’s a thirteen.

**BEN**: (_Incredulously_) For some reason, this isn’t the most insane thing I’ve ever done. It… goes through the portal—hard to miss, temporal anomaly and whatnot, but Five, what’s your AC?

**ALLISON**: That actually had a point?

**KLAUS**: Fucking finally. 

**FIVE**: Sixteen. It misses.

**BEN**: So as you open this interdimensional portal, you see—of all things—a _ fire extinguisher _ thrown directly at you. Luckily, the throw is sloppy, so it lands next to you, and you’re sucked in.

**BEN**: And on the other side, you all see Five emerge from this portal, sixteen years, four months, and twelve days after he ran out on you all. But here’s the catch: he looks exactly as he did sixteen years ago. Five. Describe to us your character.

**FIVE**: Your resident time traveler, boy-hood edition. And gun enthusiast.

**VANYA**: Gun enthusiast? No one mention the NRA to him.

**DIEGO**: Why does Luther get to go through his entire morning routine and the one person we want to know more about, we know is an NRA supporter?

**LUTHER**: It’s not confirmed.  
  
**KLAUS**: (_Grinning_) Oh, it isn’t, but let’s ask dear Five if it is!  
  
**FIVE**: Does the NRA even exist in this world?  
  
**BEN**: All of the worldbuilding I could do would never prepare me for this question. Um—sure?

** _KLAUS_ ** _ whoops and high-fives _ ** _DIEGO_**_. _

**VANYA**: Nothing I’ve ever played would prepare me for this hell of a campaign.

**BEN**: Same here. And I’m _ running _it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shows up extremely late, cradling a bottle of soda like a newborn, wearing sunglasses that say "OCTOBER, BITCHES"*
> 
> suuper sorry for the format change, but maintaining the previous chapter's would be tedious and confusing for me and for you. but finally: as the episode truly kicks off, so is social media! and boy, are they _ravenous_. i've decided not to write every single moment out, because life happens, so if anyone could give me an idea of a few scenes from the first episode to write, i'd gladly do so! and then we'll go ahead to the second episode. let's see if i have the stamina to finish this.

**Author's Note:**

> hey! i'm testing the waters w a 'characters play d&d'. i had a little more written out, after this (which is what's in the summary), but i might just post that, scrap this idea and approach it in a different way. either way, i really wasnt expecting it to be this long, and only a few minutes into the episode! so i might show bits and pieces or just tone it down overall
> 
> but regardless, i will d&d the SHIT out of everything bc i can't think of actual content with actual characterization so here you are


End file.
